Apologies for the lateness of this recap: I have had some technical and timekeeping difficulties this week, and have been fighting the Battle Of Better Ergonomics, but things are more under control now, fortunately. Now that you know about the details of my computer and sore-thumb difficulties, we can get on with making fun of what people are wearing.

Previously on When To Hold ‘Em, When To Fold ‘Em, When To Walk Away, And When To Leave Everything Up To Tiffany: Ericka became wildly frustrated by the counting of tower bells, while Maria became wildly frustrated by having to do half of everything. Well, 40 percent of everything. Maybe 30? Okay, more like 15. Also, golf was cold and girls have girl arms, so what’s the point, really? Five teams left. Who will be eliminated … next?

Credits. Watching this show always makes me think I need to spend more time around monuments, and then I remember that it’s kind of a long walk down the National Mall for the opportunity to mingle with the winners of Kentucky’s Mr. And Miss Totally Bored Teenager Pageant, and then I’m all, “Monuments still work on television, and here, I can have a Diet Coke whenever I want.” And then I stifle a little burp and say, “Mountains are pretty.”

We are in Sweden! It contains extensive history as well as windmills! Speaking as a former resident of Minnesota, I have to wonder whether windmills are the lutefisk of the Netherlands, like, “Please stop asking about that, because no, that is not part of my daily life.” Not that windmills are as intrinsically nonsensical as fish preserved in lye, but still.

Phil reminds us that teams, dressed up as characters from the classic myth of Holland known as Doofuses Riding Bicycles, checked in here a while back, and now they have to keep going, and on and on.

9:33 PM. It’s still light outside when Sam and Dan take off in first place. The clue sends them to Stockholm, Sweden, where they will take a train and a ferry to an amusement park with one of those giant free-fall rides, where their next clue will be. Sam and Dan are bickering lightly as they drive off, with Dan in the front seat acting like The Tense One and Sam in the back seat acting like The Infuriatingly Calm One, especially from the perspective of The Tense One. I think that between these two brothers, Sam plays the role of Amused Needler, while Dan plays the role of Actual Nag. I’m not saying I’m not cheating a little bit by reading ahead, but honestly, you can already tell.

Sam opines in an interview that they are probably embarrassing their family. Oh, I wouldn’t go that far. No, for that, someone would have to act like a berating, obnoxious bonehead and then break down boo-hooing all over himself about how painful it is to know that you are guilty of bonehead-osity.

9:48 PM. Spiky and Perky. Spiky explains as they leave that they’ve been dating for “over four and a half years,” and they’re definitely thinking marriage. Perhaps after five and one-third years. He also claims that running a good race is a great sign that you’re compatible. Which is true, provided that you intend to spend a lot of your marriage crammed into half a taxi and yelling at each other in fanciful costumes. Which doesn’t really apply, unless you are J.Lo.

10:32 PM. Flight Time and Big Easy. We learn that it’s FT’s birthday, and they’re thinking that a nice gift/celebration would be finishing in first place. FT suggests a trip to the red light district, which they could claim was an excursion to “use the Internet.” I do not encourage the development of “use the Internet” as a dirty euphemism, by the way, because some of us will be persistently misunderstood and slandered as pervs.

11:08 PM. Gary and Matt. Gary reads off that they are getting $220 for the leg. Gary says that, as the oldest competitor still in the race (which I’d think he’s been for some time), he has some motivation to keep working to prove what he’s capable of. Matt kindly comments that his dad “doesn’t seem old.” Given that Matt’s dad is 47, part of the reason he doesn’t seem old is that he isn’t, particularly. At least I hope he isn’t.

Sam and Dan arrive at the airport, with Spiky and Perky close behind. They spot two flights to Stockholm: one at 6:55 in the morning and one at 9:25. They’re eager, as you can imagine, to get on the earlier one. But as these two teams discover, the ticket counter isn’t opening until 5:30 in the morning, so there’s nothing to do but line up and wait. I feel like the airport has gotten a lot simpler this year. It’s not that it was any great hoot to sit around explaining how six teams were maneuvering at six different ticket counters, but I did think of it as an element of logistics and negotiating that was sometimes interesting, and I wish it hadn’t gone away quite so completely. “Good at the airport” has sometimes benefited people I didn’t like (Mirna), but I’m not sure it’s a positive development that right now, I have no idea who is and who isn’t good at figuring out actual nuts-and-bolts travel logistics.

Flight Time and Big Easy and Gary and Matt also arrive at the airport. “Another night in the airport,” Matt says.

1:38 AM. (Two and a half hours after the previous team.) Brian and Ericka. As they drive off, Brian mentions that they’re on the same road they erroneously walked yesterday (instead of riding bikes as they were meant to). Brian says, in what sound like spliced pieces from two interviews, that the race is partly helpful in proving that they are a good team, and that by the way, Ericka’s mother is not wild about her being married to a white guy. That may explain some of their more out-there humor about zebras and jungle fever, I’d think, in that at some point, you’d have to make a joke out of that lest it become painful, right? Also, Dear Ericka’s Mom: If you think that guy isn’t good enough, expect a long battle to find someone who is, especially if you are hoping it will be someone who won’t tune her out after ten minutes of freaking out. That’s the irony, of course — that guy is *perfect* for her. Sigh. Oh, world. They join everybody else at the airport.

In the morning, Sam and Dan, Spiky and Perky, and Flight Time and Big Easy get on the 6:55 AM flight. Gary and Matt and Brian and Ericka, not so much. My favorite sound effect, Marble Bouncing Around Inside A Bucket, indicates that this is Very! Bad! News! (Clang clang clang clang … ) Both teams get on the 9:25, not happy about being two and a half hours behind first thing in the morning.

The three lead teams arrive at the airport in Stockholm. They’re running for the train, which seems to be leaving right from the airport. There is a fair amount of messing with the ticket machines and whatnot, and in the end, FT and BE are the odd men out on the ticket machines and don’t make the first train. Sam voices over that the Globetrotters are his and Dan’s big rivals, since they’re “the other [cut/splice] all-male team.” Perhaps what was cut was “young and cocky,” because last time I checked, Gary and Matt were also both dudes. Unless dudes with pink hair aren’t dudes, or over-40 dudes aren’t dudes.

Brian and Ericka and Gary and Matt hop on board the Flight of Suck and Misery.

Sam and Dan and Spiky and Perky get off the train and onto a ferry. “No Globetrotters,” Sam says, pleased at having lost them for now. Meanwhile, the Globetrotters get on their train.

Back at the amusement park, Sam and Dan and Spiky and Perky pull their clues. The clue explains that one member of the team has to get on the freefall ride (too bad Mika’s not here to have this be the worst thing she’s ever had to do in her whole life!) and go up to the top, where it will be possible to spot an arrow on the ground that points to the clue. Of course, you’ll need to spot the clue before the ride drops you hundreds of feet to the ground as if you are about to die. Sam and Spiky board the freefall. The awesome part is that although Sam is sitting to the left and Spiky to the right, Sam says, “You check to the right, I’ll check to the left.” It’s not a big deal since they’re sitting next to each other, but why not just … you know, look the direction you’re sitting? Fortunately, at the top, they ignore this particular idiotic division of labor, and Sam spots the arrow off ahead and to the left. “We got it!” he hollers, and Dan and Perky give each other ten up top, and then the ride falls. Sam and Spiky do this: “AAAAAAAARRRRAAAAHHHHHGG!” When they disembark, they lead their teammates toward where they saw the arrow.

Periodically, I pause to be sad that Sam doesn’t interest me more as a person, because wowza, he is still so pretty. It causes me to make sad little noises.

Flight Time and Big Easy board the ferry.

Spiky and Perky and Sam and Dan find the clue box by the arrow. It tells them to play what Phil calls “Roaming Gnome Ring Toss.” That’s right — it is time for your grotesque Travelocity crossover promotion for the season. You throw a ring until you get it around one of the gnome hats, and you hope that there’s a gnome under it. And if there is, then you get the gnome and read your clue — and take your gnome with you, for God’s sake. If you leave your gnome behind, it will follow you from city to city, haunting you and leaving bloody little footprints all over your room, and if you win the race, it will jump onto the big red mat and stab you through the heart with its little hat. That is what I learned from the Stephen King book, The Gnome.

Both teams find their gnomes pretty quickly, and the clue they retrieve is for the Detour. Phil explains that Sweden’s history includes Alfred Nobel, who invented dynamite, and also the Vikings. (If only one of your Detour options were kicking the crap out of Brett Favre.) The dynamite half of the Detour sends you to a pit to build a wall of sandbags and then set off an explosion. The other one involves reading, and I’m just going to tell you right now, you don’t need to worry about it, because what kind of a soft-bellied wuss likes reading?

Both of these teams, obvs, pick blowing stuff up over reading.

When FT and BE reach the freefall ride, they learn that Big Easy is actually too tall for the 6′4″ height limit on the ride, so only Flight Time can do it. FT does not seem to particularly enjoy free-falling, but he sees the arrow and they find their way to the clue. Big Easy turns out to be the master of the ring-toss, and when they finally get a gnome, he takes charge of it, declaring, “I’m on gnome duty.” At this point, I was sure that gnome duty was somehow going to backfire, and Big Easy was going to wind up neglecting the gnome or blowing him up or something. But this is merely a red (pointy-hatted) herring.

Hey, the Globetrotters are also interested in blowing things up more than reading! Boooo, reading.

Oh, hey, here are Gary and Matt and Brian and Ericka arriving at the airport! Once again, there is some futzing around with the ticket machines, and by the time it’s over, Gary and Matt are in last place, having missed the train that Ericka and Brian got on. They are not dudes; they are not on the train. They cannot catch a break today.

When we return from commercials, we relive the Gary and Matt door-closing agony.

Meanwhile, Sam and Dan and Spiky and Perky have had to stop and get themselves some directions on the way to the Detour, so as they note, if the Globetrotters do everything without any problems, there’s a chance they’ll catch up, since the space between trains from the airport is presumably not great.

Speaking of whom, the Globetrotters chat in their car about naming their gnome. FT suggests “Sweet Pea.” BE suddenly decides to stand on ceremony regarding silliness and calls that name “dumb.” He suggests, instead, “Louisiana Shorty,” but FT declares that one “ghetto.” “Harlem Gnome,” BE suggests. They seem perhaps to settle on this. (I will say that for me personally, being addressed as Sweet Pea or Louisiana Shorty would be acceptable, to a greater degree than Harlem Gnome.

Brian and Ericka — off the train and onto the ferry.

Gary and Matt — boarding the train fifteen minutes after Brian and Ericka, very bummed about being all alone in last place. Matt is very quiet. My sense is that when he’s discouraged, he does not share that too much with Dad, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

At the freefall, it turns out that Brian is afraid of heights, so Ericka gets on the ride. See? That’s very reassuring to me, not only that she isn’t the one who nixes herself for all tasks, but that they both assume that he has the right to nix himself for tasks as well. She doesn’t do water, but he doesn’t do heights, so. She’s so excited when she spots it on the way up that she chair-dances while strapped into the amusement-park ride, which is pretty cute. He fist-pumps for her. They seem to have largely recovered from last week. She’s also the one who does the ring-toss, and they both jump up and down excitedly. I don’t know, you guys — I know she was a hag last week, but they’re really cute.

And guess what: more dynamite! Booooo, reading!

Matt on the freefall. He sees the arrow. Gary ring-tosses. DYNAMITE GO BOOM! READING FOR BABIES!

Sam and Dan and Spiky and Perky have finally found their way to the Blow Shit Up side of the Detour. They have to start by putting on hardhats, goggles, ear protection, and boots. Sam might want to hang onto the ear protectors. Juuust saying. Meanwhile, FT and BE are talking about how surprised the front two teams would be to see them catch up: “Where did that big black man come from in that red shirt?” BE imagines. “Big black ugly man, too,” FT offers. “You talkin’ about you,” BE banters back. Theirs would definitely be the most enjoyable car to be in.

Indeed, when the Globetrotters appear as the other teams are suiting up, Dan comments, “Did your FANS help you get here?” Since he’s speaking as a guy who got somebody to lead him here, I’m not sure what the point of that little outbreak of bitterness was supposed to be. Kind of poor form, Dan. Moreover, do you really think FT and BE have rando fans running around Sweden the way, say, Rob and Amber might? I think not.

The teams head into the dynamite pit and start filling sandbags to build their bunker. Sam and Dan scoop dirt into their sandbags with their hands, which Dan sees as a great innovation, since the other teams were using shovels. Perky declares that they should work on the same bag, with one holding open and one shoveling — which, interestingly, is exactly what the GTs are doing. After doing one this way, Spiky declares this “a waste of time,” and goes to fill his own bag. Perky again  protests. “You’re not working with me,” she says angrily. Perky packs kind of a bitchy aftertaste at times, it is true.

Brian and Ericka, meanwhile, find a taxi to lead them to the dynamite.

And now, Gary And Matt Try To Maintain Seriousness While Reciting Many Names Of Streets In Sweden. It sounds approximately like this: “Are we on Hasselbaggen?” “No, we’re on Foozelnaggen.” “We need to make a left on Forvenblaggen.” “What are we looking for eventually?” “We’re looking for Boozenhaagen.” I’m approximating, but the bottom line is that Matt and Gary have wound up confronted with unfamiliar street names out the Woozenklachen.

Unfortunately, as amusing as this is, it becomes less so once they are actually lost.

I feel for Perky, kind of, until she starts telling Spiky, “Encourage me.” Eh. I kind of think when you’re on a task together, it’s good to be encouraging, but you don’t want to NEED out-loud encouragement from your partner who is trying to do exactly the same thing you are. “Encourage me” is a little bit “say my name” for my tastes.

Sam and Dan finish building their sandbag wall and set off their explosion. Hooray! When they find the little metal box that their explosion has unearthed, they retrieve a clue that sends them to a farm. A farm that will live in infamy. The farm where Lena and Kristy were Philiminated after Lena unrolled many, many bales of hay without finding a clue.

Not long, it appears, after Sam and Dan drive off in their car, the GTs complete their wall of sandbags and set off their explosion. “Come on, [Spiky],” Perky whines. “Help me.” Spiky is not pleasing her at all.

After the GTs are gone, Spiky and Perky finally finish and get to blow up their dynamite. In the car on the way to the hay bales, she complains and blames him for the “awful teamwork,” saying she asked him over and over to work with her and he wouldn’t. He’s ready to be over it, but she’s not. “The task is over,” he says. “But you didn’t even listen to me the whole time!” she says. I am not sure she is grasping the concept of “over.”

Brian and Ericka are approaching the dynamite, but Matt and Gary are still lost in the Floogens and Boogens of Sweden. “What a day,” Gary oogenboogens unhappily.

After commercials, Gary and Matt finally get some directionkachens, and they’re off.

Meanwhile, Brian and Ericka arrive at the dynamite, and Ericka comments that this is pretty dirty work, but she dives in, and in an interview, she says beauty concerns have officially gone by the wayside.

Sam and Dan are the first to find the farm. They park and run toward the farm, which appears to require a bit of a hike. Spiky and Perky — having passed a lost FT and BE — are just behind. When Sam and Dan open the Roadblock, Phil reminds us of Lena and Kristy’s terrible experience — saying they unrolled 100 bales over ten hours — and says that this time, in what they’re calling a “Switchback,” there are 186 hay bales and 7 race flags to find. Once you find it, though, you’re golden, because the pit stop is right beside the field of hay, perhaps in case they have to walk over and put you out of your misery. I think Phil just wants to avoid another long trip.

Sam says he’s going to do the Roadblock, and Dan disbelievingly looks out at the 186 bales and says, “Wait, ALL OF THESE?” Right away, as Sam gets underway, Dan is screaming at him about how he has to break open the netting around the bale so he can unroll it. He’s right, but he’s already using his You Dumb Jackass tone of voice, which isn’t the direction you want to go right out of the gate. Dan also chooses to reveal that this happened once before, and “one person did it for eight hours.” “Why on earth would you tell me that right now?” Sam asks. Heh, good point. I’m also curious about why Dan was so shocked by “all of these” if he saw this done the last time, which makes me wonder whether an on-set whisperer gave them the skinny about the eight hours (which Phil said was actually ten).

When Spiky and Perky get there, she asks him who should do it, and he hesitates, undoubtedly thinking about the physical part of it, her capacity for frustration — but he doesn’t answer quickly enough, so after a few seconds, she says she’s doing it and heads out into the field.

Dan continues coaching Sam to just unroll them and not look through them, and Sam stops and tells Dan to stop talking to him for ten minutes. Dan agrees, but obviously has no intention of shutting up, like, at all. Spiky throws Perky her gloves, which is a very good idea, and she asks him to keep talking to her. She should have been Dan’s partner! Dan is totally happy to keep talking! All you want! More talky-talky!

Perky is struggling with how heavy the bales are, though it looks like once she gets a layer or so off, they’re not too terribly bad. They’re definitely really heavy, though.

As the GTs arrive, Dan yells at Sam that he’s going too slowly, he’s not unrolling fast enough, and so forth. Sam asks Dan — again — to stop talking for ten minutes, to which Dan replies, “STOP SPENDING SO MUCH TIME ON ONE!” Not sure Dan is grasping Sam’s point.

Now here’s the problem with Dan’s theory: You know what’s worse for you than spending an extra minute to kick the hay around and make sure you didn’t miss a flag? Missing a flag. I get what he’s saying, and no, you don’t have to pick through every quarter-cup of hay, but a minute to make sure is probably time well spent hedging against total disaster, especially since you have no idea how the flags were inserted into the bales, and they could be right between the layers or they could emphatically not be.

Big Easy takes the Roadblock for his team, and he heads out into the field.

Back at the dynamite, Brian and Ericka are finishing up their wall of sandbags, hoping they’ll be done before Matt and Gary arrive. But then: Matt and Gary arrive.

Perky will note that Matt and Gary also adopt a one-shovels, one-holds method of filling bags.

After asking Ericka to “cover up our gnome” (hee), Brian sets off the explosion at last. They set off for the farm as Matt and Gary calmly continue working.

Hay Field Of Misery. For the second time, Perky calls this the worst thing she has ever done. Dan is now sarcastically heckling his own partner, saying, “Oh, still going through that last one.” Sam can only scream at Dan to shut up. Dan is, I must say, putting on one of the worst performances in history by a Roadblock partner. I mean, really, dude. Flight Time, meanwhile, is perfectly mellow: “I feel good, baby, I got faith in you.”

Sam and Dan keep screaming at each other. FT and BE keep bantering: “We didn’t have no hay in the projects,” BE points out.

Brian and Ericka pull up, as do Gary and Matt.

Sam will note that it is as Big Easy kicks away some hay that he looks down and spots a race flag and runs off with it toward FT, who happily notes that this is appropriate, since it’s his birthday. So that flag apparently did not present itself to Big Easy immediately upon unrolling. Sam grumps about how the GTs are “the luckiest team in the history of the race.” Eh. Sam only came into this with a very short lead and has probably only unrolled a bale or two more than BE if at all; I’m not sure there’s much of an argument that BE was wildly lucky there. Moreover, Sam grouses about how they were “third to get here,” but of course, once a team shows up, they have exactly the same chance as anyone else that the next bale will have a flag in it. Once a team shows up, your advantage over that team is entirely kaput. The next bale doesn’t know how many you’ve already opened; there’s no reason you’d find flags in order, or approximate order, of arrival out of those that have already arrived. This is a task where the only advantage to getting there early is free time before other people show up, during which you might happen upon it. If you don’t, then it’s effectively a bunching point.

Welcome, Flight Time and Big Easy, you are team number one. And you have won a trip for two, which you can enjoy after the race. FT interviews that they’re on a roll now, and they’re “here to win the race.”

Sam grumps some more that he hates Big Easy. He hates Big Easy? How can you hate Big Easy? That’s like hating Phil. That’s like hating fun. That’s like hating Christmas.

And here come Brian and Ericka, so now they’re effectively tied with all these teams, and here come Matt and Gary, so now everybody remaining has essentially the same odds, except that the early arrivers are tired.

A weepy Perky notes that she’s now been at the bales of hay for two hours. She knows not what to do. “Are you all right, baby?” Spiky asks her. “No, I can’t do this anymore,” she replies.

Commercials.

As Dan continues to harass Sam and Sam continues to ask him to shut up, Brian happens to be standing near Dan and intervenes: “Daniel,” he says calmly in what is very much a Dad Voice, “it’s harder than it looks.” Heh. In an interview, Dan says that he eventually had an “epiphany” that it probably wasn’t helping for him to be screaming at Sam every thirty seconds. It’s not clear whether Brian really helped with this, but if he did, it’s possible that what led to Dan’s “epiphany” was, in part, the realization that he was attracting attention from third parties who thought he was being a dick.

Matt repeats to Ericka the information about someone having done this once for “eight hours.” She is not encouraged.

While pawing through the end of a bale, Perky finally finds her clue. She decides to surprise Spiky, so she approaches him complaining that she can’t do it anymore, and then she flashes the flag and says, “Let’s go.” He whoops and laughs as they run to the pit stop mat. “Oh my God, [Perky], I love you so much,” he laughs. They are team number two. I’m actually really glad that Perky did that task, because if Spiky had done it instead, I would have spent the week reading that no woman could possibly have done it because the bales were so heavy. Ask yourself which harder: doing that for two hours or hitting a plastic ball with a toy golf club. Juuuust saying.

And then Brian finds a flag out in the hay. He actually climbs over a bale of hay on his way back to his wife. Aw, that guy is cute. So Brian and Ericka check in as team number three. Now, it’s just Sam and Dan and Gary and Matt.

Dan has changed tactics, so even when Sam sits down for a minute — exhausted, naturally — Dan tells him, “Take a break, it’s all right.” I think this may work better than “YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG YEEAAARRGH!”

Sam unrolls. Gary unrolls. And finally, as Sam gets to the very end of a bale, he finds a flag. “Thank the Lord,” he says. He and Dan run to the pit stop, where Dan proceeds to have a breakdown and weep all over himself about having been a mean jackass.

“That’s not a good sign,” says Gary. “No,” Matt quietly agrees. “Not our day.” And he throws his dad a water bottle. I’ll tell you, for guys who claim that their differences have affected their relationship, these two seem awfully fond of each other.

When Gary has been looking for two hours, Matt is still encouraging him. In an interview, Gary points out that while this was difficult, you can’t quit, and after all, he has “a pretty strong work ethic.” “‘Pretty strong’?” Matt asks with a slight smile. As Matt talks about his dad, there’s actually a shot of Gary unrolling a hay bale that is shot through the giant, stretched-out hole in Matt’s ear, which has the unfortunate effect of pointing out those huge lobe holes I had actually managed not to notice. I really do not like those, but the shot is hilarious. At about two hours and 45 minutes, Gary finally finds one at the end of a bale. “Son of a bitch,” he says. Heh.

Matt and Gary proceed to the mat. They are the last team to arrive. And Phil is sorry to tell them … that the next leg is going to be very difficult, and they will still be here! Non-elimination! Not surprising. Of course, they will have to do a speed bump on the next leg, but if it is anything like Maria and Tiffany’s earlier speed bump, it will take about five minutes and consist of something like, “Walk ten feet and put these five numbered cards in order.” Matt calls his dad “Superman,” and it’s pretty clear that he means it. Gary points out that they weren’t kidding when they said they would never give up. So we get to keep the likable dad and son … for now.

Next week: Matt runs into the word “candelabra.” Yoiks. Also, Big Easy trips and accidentally trips Dan, which is sure to lead to some sort of massive controversy, because Dan is a big baby.