Previously on Russell: The Story Of Russell starring Russell, Russell Russelled a Russell, but Russell’s Russell was Russelling Russell. Russell had Russell Russell Russell, and Russell Russell, “Russell Russell Russell.”

Also: Shambo’s mullet.

Seriously, the claim that Russell changed his mind about getting rid of Liz, as opposed to losing the argument with the rest of the group about getting rid of Liz, is 100 percent fiction, as far as we know. That is not supported by ONE SINGLE THING that happened on the show. They are frequently guilty of a little revisionist history in the previouslys, but this has become ridiculous. Probst is literally telling a story in the voiceovers that never EVEN ARGUABLY happened on the show. I’m sorry to act like I care about the credibility of Survivor, but this is important stuff if you want people to care about watching your freaking program.

Foa Foa, Day 15. It is raining. (Expect to hear that a lot.) Toes are crazily pruny. Mick is shaking, a state of affairs on which someone comments, because shaking doesn’t seem like a particularly good sign. Mick explains that it’s Day 15, and the rain has been coming down since about Day 10. He even admits that when he saw Ashley voted off to a nice warm bed last night, he was a little jealous. Heh. Done with being on television, but also done with waterlogged fingertips and peeing in the bushes.

Russell tells Jaison that they should go and sit in the water, because he’s sure that will be warmer. Not sure why that would be the case, but as usual, Russell takes the position that anyone who disagrees with him is an idiot, whether anything he’s saying makes any sense or not. Jaison interviews that when he was a kid, he watched Captain Planet, and one of the characters on that show had what was called “heart,” and he wouldn’t mind having that power right now. I think he has mixed up “heart” and “an umbrella and/or space heater.”

Jaison and Russell go and sit in the water, but Jaison goes from cold to shivering. Russell Interview #1: Russell proclaims that he is awesome, because he can stand the rain and he wanted it to be more miserable. Bring it on, nature! Fuck you, clouds! Jaison tells Russell that he is still really cold — shockingly, the “lying in the water” plan for warming up didn’t turn out to be an awesome idea. Russell Interview #2: Russell tells us that the conditions are “really no big deal.” Spreading his arms, he adds, “Matter of fact, this makes me stronger.” Somewhere, Jeff Probst is impregnated and doesn’t know why. So that’s two Russell interviews prior to the credits.

After the credits, we are underwater, where majestic music plays and sea creatures frolic. “Consider this turtle,” I say to my television in a sophisticated British accent, because I love talking to the TV. Out on the shore, Purple-Russell is fishing. Fishing, fishing, fishing … and then for a second, it looks like he loses consciousness. well, I’m sure that wasn’t important, even though they played Doom Music. What could go wrong?

People at Galu are not any happier than people at Foa Foa, and they may even be less happy, because they had a chance at a tarp (which would have made this an entirely different experience) and didn’t take it, because they took the blankets and such. (Idiots.) John explains this in an interview. (John would be the rocket scientist who has barely been seen.) He blames P-Russ for the whole thing. P-Russ, meanwhile, is the only one working to keep them from completely losing their fire, it seems. The rest of them are all huddled together by a tree, and Brett (that’s right, “Brett” exists) notes that it was pretty impressive to see P-Russ working while the rest of them chilled out. He says, however, that P-Russ may have actually been overdoing the work ethic. Whatever that means in the context of being the only guy keeping the fire going during the epic rainstorm.

P-Russ, meanwhile, tells us that he’d rather hang in the shelter, but these are “deposits” of work that he will later be able to remove as “withdrawals.” That is so, so, so not how Survivor works, buddy. Survivor works more on a system of successive robberies, where you just hope that you can rob the previous guy and keep the next guy from robbing you, and the person who commits the last robbery wins. Similarly, he uses an analogy about buying and selling stock, which again implies that he thinks there is some return on investment involved in this particular game, and as relates to work at camp, there almost never is. Work is a junk bond, man.

He stumbles into the shelter. He does not look good. Everyone notices. Kelly (who exists, surprisingly, and is a hairstylist) thinks P-Russ is pushing too hard.

Over at Foa Foa, everyone is still waiting out the rain. Mick is still shaking as he presses himself against a (lucky) tree. (Uh, sorry.) Mick says that the tree cranny he’s crammed into sort of stays a tiny bit warm, so that’s where he will stay.

In Russell Interview #3, Russell goes on and on about how lame and weak and sissy the other people in his tribe are, because they won’t do anything to, I guess, stop the rain from falling. Seriously, as usual, you can tell he’s full of it from the lack of specifics. He says he could help them if they weren’t such babies, but he doesn’t say how, and there is not a single shot of him trying to get the tribe to do anything at all. It is all talk — literally ALL talk — there is not a single piece of video evidence to support the idea that this story (in which Russell tries to get people to take steps to improve the situation, but they won’t) ever happened. You never used to see this on the show, ever — you’d see an interview to underline a point, but you wouldn’t be expected to take it entirely on faith that an event that an entire scene had any basis in fact. If they had footage of Awesome Russell suggesting some great idea and someone else saying, “I’m too cold,” don’t you think they’d probably use it? Hint: THEY DON’T HAVE IT. IT DIDN’T HAPPEN.

My short take? The entire story they are trying to sell this season is a string of Russell delusions and Probst bluster, and only people who do not watch television very carefully at all could possibly fail to notice. It is uninterrupted horse manure, which is the same reason you saw nothing to support the story about Russell being responsible for booting Ashley that they told in the previouslys. This isn’t editing or shading — they are trying to tell a story through interviews and voiceovers about Russell running the show and being stronger and more motivated than everyone else when it just didn’t happen that way except in Russell’s head. You can pretty easily tell it didn’t happen, because if it had happened, there would be film of it happening, considering that they film these people constantly. I mean, you’re basically stuck with (1) it didn’t happen; or (2) they decided not to show any of it; or (3) the camera guys were on a coffee break every time anything that would substantiate this version of events occurred. Come on. You’ve watched television. You know which one it is.

I mean, as a for instance, note that in the previous sequence, you saw people talking about P-Russ working and overdoing it, but this was substantiated with footage of P-Russ working and P-Russ stumbling, exhausted, into the shelter. That’s how they do it if it’s a thing that really happens. This here, where Russell tells you that he had awesome ideas but nobody would listen and it is substantiated with nothing except yap-flapping, is how they do it if it’s a thing that didn’t happen, but that sounds more interesting than what’s actually happening, which is, “Everyone is sitting around in the rain, because there’s not a hell of a lot they can do about it.”

Also awesome: Russell says that if you don’t throw up at every challenge, “you didn’t do your job.” Have we seen Russell throw up at every challenge? Why is all of this BLATANT NONSENSE being played without any of the wit or observant sense of the absurd that the show often brings to this kind of grandiose fantasy of your own awesomeness?

Seriously, if last season had been edited like this season, Probst would have flat-out told everyone that Coach was a genius, a great man, a conqueror, and the prime minister of Canada.

All right. Anyway.

The next day at Galu, Erik climbs out of his hole in a tree and tells us that he prayed all night for Samoa to understand that they all recognize its power, and now it’s stopped raining, and there’s a rainbow. He’s very, very happy, because he believes this means it has stopped raining for good. Galu agrees that this is a great sign that everything is going to be great from now on, WOOOOO!

Hey, challenge time! This should be a lot of fun. Challenges are always fun!

So the way this challenge works is that you put one person inside a ball-shaped cage, and two other people pushing the cage through a course are blindfolded. And then after you’re done pushing that person down the course, you set her (it will be a her) up so she can see one of those tilt-ball mazes, which the two pushers and two other people will operate. The reward is pizza, which will be eaten at tribal council — because both tribes are going. Ruh-roh! The team encourages P-Russ to sit out, but P-Russ is having none of it, so he wants to participate in the challenge pushing the ball. Sigh.

So both teams roll their balls toward the end of the course. Foa Foa gets a lead and is finished first, so while it won’t help them not eliminate anyone, they seem like they might be ahead in the fight for some pizza they kind of need. P-Russ is already in trouble as they’re rolling the ball, looking kind of disoriented and weak.

As P-Russ heads toward his corner of the maze, he starts to wander aimlessly. Note that Probst calls out, “No idea where he’s at right now.” Yeah, no shit, you prick. Glad you’re enjoying THE SHOW.

(For a while here, P-Russ will be known as “Russell.”) And a few seconds later, it happens. Russell slumps forward with his head on the maze table and his arms dangling lifelessly. He is patently unconscious. Patently, obviously unconscious. A three-year-old could tell he’s unconscious. I count almost 20 seconds of film between that point — which is a long time if you count it out — before Probst calls for medical. At first, because they pull him up instead of down, Russell mutters that he’s “good,” but then he collapses to the ground.

“Russell, can you hear me?” the woman working for medical asks.

When we return, they’re kneeling over Russell, who’s weakly protesting, and then they’re taking his blood pressure. Probst realizes that they’re not going to be finishing the challenge, so he has everybody take off their blindfolds. Medical listens to Russell’s heart and seems rather concerned. They report that Russell’s BP is even lower than Mike’s was when they pulled him out of the game, and if he stood up, he’d black out.

Probst, never missing an opportunity to make the situation about himself, says he’s “going to make a call right now,” and announces that the challenge is off. No pizza for anyone, they’ll just have tribal council, and Russell will either show up or not, depending on whether he is, among other things, still alive.

Back at Galu in the aftermath, it’s raining again, some more. Dave and Erik are talking about the fact that they’d be surprised if he came back, and Rocket Scientist John doesn’t much figure they’ll see him again. John does, however, interview about how they’re all really impressed with P-Russ’s work ethic, but his body gave out. They hide in the shelter under their soaking wet blankets, which they cannot transmogrify into a tarp, no matter how hard they try.

Back on the challenge course, medical is giving P-Russ water. P-Russ still has an oxygen mask, but medical is at least going to let him sit up. He slowly sits up. But almost as soon as he sits up, he passes out again — this time with his eyes open, which is all kinds of creepy. They lower him back down to the ground, his eyes open and completely not aware of anything. “Talk to me,” says medical. They shake him, and he comes to. So that’s it for P-Russ, for sure. Medical notes that P-Russ’s heart rate was 97 when he sat up, but now it’s 68. Meaning that his heart rate is kind of all over the place — not exactly what you want.

So Probst tells P-Russ that he’s being pulled out of the game, and P-Russ winces. P-Russ starts going on about his family depending on him, so Probst gives him this big speech about how everything was going so great for him and now he has to leave the game, and I’m not sure how THAT’S supposed to make him feel better, but that’s the direction Jeff decides to go. It’s basically a “Wow, this sucks maybe in even more ways than you are thinking of” speech. He assures P-Russ that he’s not “a quitter,” reinforcing his ethic that quitting because you realize you’re GOING to almost die of dehydration would make you a pussy, but quitting AFTER you almost die of dehydration makes you a fucking superstar. Finally, Jeff agrees to shut up and shove off, and he leaves P-Russ alone to weep for his lost opportunity.

You know, it seems to me that there would be very little lost in this game if producers gave everybody water. I understand that the grit that can result from the struggle is all very whatever, but I don’t actually want to see anybody die, and it seems to me that dehydration is the biggest potential system-destroyer. Why not give water? Why not at least monitor how much people are drinking so you know if this is about to happen? Do you really think nobody would watch the show if they didn’t think people could potentially become dehydrated enough to require emergency medical intervention, and what kind of an operation are you running if you deny water on that basis?

Anyway, when we return, we are at Foa Foa, where Liz explains that she feels weird about the fact that they were excited about possibly winning, and then they had to stop because P-Russ might die. She and Natalie talk about the fact that the guys are likely to pick one of them to get rid of at tribal council, so they’ll be voting for each other. Liz interviews that voting off her or Natalie would be smartest, so that the tribe can “continue to win.” I’m sorry … “continue”?

Russell tells Natalie that Liz is going home, and Natalie’s like, “All right, we don’t have to talk about it.” Would you want to talk to him any more than necessary? What’s great is that he’s like, “VOTE FOR LIZ,” and she’s like, “Okay,” when we already saw that this is what she was going to do anyway. So he will give himself the point in his head that he told her what to do, when in fact, he had absolutely nothing to do with what she did, because she has just agreed to do exactly what she was already going to do, because it was her only shot at saving herself. In next week’s previouslys, this will be described as, “Russell used magic powers of persuasion to get Natalie to give up her vendetta against Mick and vote for Liz, which she desperately did not want to do until Russell talked her into it.”

Meanwhile, Liz lobbies Jaison and Mick to stay. Mick doesn’t really want to discuss it. Jaison interviews that they really are frustrated by the fact that they were so close to winning, even though they understand that the important thing that’s going on right now is P-Russ. That doesn’t mean it’s not irritating to finally be on the verge of winning and then be interrupted by bizarre developments.

Over at Galu, Monica, Laura, and Kelly (is it Kelly?) are walking and talking about how much they hate Shambo. In fact, Laura interviews that if tribal council were right now, Shambo would definitely be gone, because she has this relationship with the other tribe. Then they have to stop talking, because Shambo is right there, and she wants to know whether they intend to vote her out. She argues that she has made fire; Monica argues that she has also voted for Monica. Those are both things that have nothing to do with whether she is the right next person to vote out, so I congratulate them both on having exclusively irrelevant thoughts.

Elsewhere, Brett, Dave, Erik and John are talking about how Shambo may be a pain, but she’s not as useless as Monica. She also doesn’t pose any sort of a threat. Unlike Monica, of course, who might team up with all the other purple girls who are indistinguishable from each other and create some kind of alliance post-merge.

What’s a “Brett”?

John explains, also, that Laura is so tight with Monica that Laura will instantly be out of options if Monica is gone. Their plan is to use P-Russ for their fifth if he’s back, or else Shambo if not.

What follows is a legitimately hilarious scene in which the boys’ decision not to tell anything to Shambo falls all apart. She comes over and is like, “Don’t vote me off.” And they’re like, “We’re not telling you.” Erik unleashes this: “Just because I’m not telling you I’m not writing your name down doesn’t mean I’m not writing your name down.” Which isn’t what he means at all, but I think he gets confused when there are a lot of short words.

John wants Shambo to vote for Monica without “telling” her anything, so he says, “Erik, if you were Shambo, who would you vote for tonight?” And Erik carefully says that he’s NOT HIMSELF NOW or anything, he’s Shambo. And then he says, “I would probably stay consistent.” She almost laughs, because it’s so idiotically circular if they’re just going to tell her to vote for Monica. “What if you were John?” she asks Erik. “I … would … follow the leader.” And it turns out that the leader is Shambo! So MONICA MONICA, although for some reason, they don’t want to just fucking SAY SO OH MY GRACIOUS. “And if you were Erik, who would you vote for?” she asks John. “I’d vote for Monica,” John finally says. Oh thank goodness.

And then he’s like, “DO YOU GET IT?” and she says she does, and then Erik’s like, “WE’RE STILL NOT PROMISING ANYTHING,” and seriously, these guys are not made for espionage. This is like watching two golden retrievers try to keep a secret.

Tribal council. This is a big group. Jeff breaks the news that P-Russ is gone. The doctors weren’t able to get him stable enough, so he had to go. “It was the scariest moment I’ve ever had on this show!” he says. Well, I certainly hope they won’t allow dehydration to set in again, RIGHT? Jeff swears that now, P-Russ is in good hands.

What’s Shambo’s reaction? She says she’s really sad, because he’s such a hard worker. Russell, of course, just wants to beat everyone in the most honorable way possible.

Oh, and there’s more thunder, so it’s going to start raining again.

There’s more talk about how hard it is, how hard the rain is, how hard the conditions are (Probst agrees). Erik says he spent 22 hours in a tree. That is fairly hardcore, I will admit. Erik makes an interesting comment about the rain, which is that it’s not only that it goes on; it’s that when it’s going on, you don’t have any idea when it might end, and it feels like it might not ever. Interestingly, I experienced the same thing recently when a subway car got stopped in a tunnel under DC. It scared the living crap out of my mildly claustrophobic self, because while it was only for about a half-hour, I had no idea how long it was going to be.

Jeff asks Dave how the game is going, and Dave says that “just based on numbers” Galu would seem to be “ahead,” and Foa Foa hasn’t had the opportunity to feed itself as well as Galu has. Liz smiles bitterly. Because she’s really hungry.

Russell, of course, says that Foa Foa is doing just fine, and he insists that they will come back and “even up” the situation. Erik laughs. Jeff asks Mick whether being ahead in the challenge is a “moral victory,” and Mick says that they do indeed “take this as a win.” Erik shakes his head. Asked for his reaction, he mocks Foa Foa for thinking that staying even with them in a challenge (actually, they were ahead but okay) means there’s some kind of “momentum shift.” He’s really feisty for a guy who spent 22 hours in a tree.

Jeff now drops the news that there is going to be absolutely no vote tonight. Instead of both teams sending someone home, nobody will send anybody home. He comments that some people look happy about this, and some do not. Erik says that Galu is bummed about P-Russ anyway, while Russell agrees that this is great for them, because they are feeling strong in their five people. Also, he’s pretty sure that “the table’s about to turn.” Erik keeps giggling, and Jeff points out that he looks rather dubious. This leads Erik to give a sort of “win one for the Gipper” speech about how they will put “every bead of sweat” that P-Russ put into the game into beating Foa Foa. Dude. Your team is dominating. This is probably unnecessary and a little less cool than just saying, “Hey, if they think they can finally start winning some challenges, I encourage them to give it a whirl.”

Jeff tells Galu that they will now have to assign themselves a new “leader” in the absence of P-Russ, and he sends everybody home. So that was … completely anticlimactic, right?

In the end, P-Russ tells us that being taken out of the game was terrible, he played as hard as he could, he never intended to become life-threateningly dehydrated, and so forth. He’s glad he tried. He is carted away. Goodbye, P-Russ.

Next time: Russell Russells a Russell, Russell Russell Russell Russell!