Hey, so, I’m right in your target demographic. I’m short of cash, I’m flexible, and I’m not picky about having fancy new furniture, so we should be able to make a deal, maybe. But let me tell you a few things from my point of view that might help you write your ad.

I know that dealing with the public can be a drag; maybe you’re already tired of answering e-mails from people who want you to deliver that entertainment center or what have you. But when you appear to be angry at me just because I am reading your ad, it makes me less likely to do business with you. I have no problem with “Sorry; I can’t help with loading and the item is heavy, so make sure you bring some help.” I do have a problem with “YOU MUST LOAD YOURSELF VERY HEAVY DON’T EXPECT ME TO HELP I AM BUSY PLEASE DON’T CALL IF YOU CAN’T CARRY IT YOURSELF.” I understand that you feel like you are in the power position because, in theory, you have the furniture and I want the furniture, but it is not such a vibrant seller’s market that I’m going to line up to argue with other purchasers to be yelled at.

Please be realistic about your pricing. I see this ad all the time: “I paid $1500 for this bed new two years ago; I am asking $1200.” Let me just say: NO. The minute I am purchasing something used (not that I’d probably buy a used mattress anyway, but still), I am taking on the risk that you have peed on it, bled on it, infested it with bedbugs, beaten the crap out of it, wrecked it, or otherwise made it useless to yourself. That risk is worth quite a lot, and for you to get rid of an item like that would cost you a lot as well. I have sold and given away furniture myself; I know it is win-win. You can’t really take a year-or-two-old used item and try to sell it to me out of your house for a price that it would probably go for new if it were on sale. I can’t speak for other people, but if I’m buying used furniture, it’s because I’m trying to get a good deal on something you no longer need, not because I’m trying to get a small discount on something fancy.

Please understand that everything I cannot see in the photos, I assume is damaged. Don’t think that because you show the table from far away, at an angle, such that it looks fine, I’m going to assume that everything hidden must be in awesome shape. I was not born yesterday.

Speaking of which, you know how you sometimes are selling Item A and Item B, and your ad’s slug says, “Items A and B, $50,” and then I click on your ad, and it turns out that Item A is $50 and Item B is $500? This makes me INSTANTLY hate your guts. The single thing I want the most out of a Craigslist transaction is to believe you are trustworthy, and when you do this, I instantly decide to never, ever do business with you. Ever. Don’t even bother with this kind of nonsense, because it doesn’t help you.

Do not attempt to convince me that the ad was placed by the furniture. “I am a coffee table; I need a good home!” Ick.

D-I-N-I-N-G. Wow. I never knew how many people thought this word had three Ns in it.

In the meantime, if you are in the DC general metro area and looking to unload any furniture that you haven’t smoked or thrown up on, please feel free to drop me a line at mslindaholmes-at-gmail-dot-com, and we’ll see if there’s a deal to be made. But please don’t write to me adopting the persona of your couch.