I didn’t really think I had it in me anymore to be shocked at anything that happened involving Paula Abdul, but I will freely admit that last night’s incident, in which she began critiquing a performance that hadn’t happened yet, gave me pause.

In case you haven’t heard this story in the last twelve hours, each contestant last night was to sing two songs, for a total of ten performances in one hour. Surprisingly, even though performances are only maybe a minute and a half long, this is a lot for the show to cram in, so they modified the format so there wasn’t full judging after each contestant did his or her first song. They just had each person do one song, all in a row. And then the judges were called upon to give a wrap-up of the entire round. It went okay with Randy Jackson, but then Paula Abdul complained about having to use notes before critiquing Jason Castro’s first song, and then…Jason Castro’s second song.

Which, I’m saying, hadn’t happened yet.

Watching people try to yank her back to reality was sort of like…do you remember that episode of Dawson’s Creek where Pacey had to soothe Andie’s mother, who was mentally ill, and he asked her to make him a sandwich and that calmed her down so she didn’t throw a fit in the middle of the grocery store? It was like that. If you lack that crucial cultural reference point, imagine tranquilizing a monkey. That’s on drugs.

Now, you can argue all day about what exactly happened. Time travel, one of my friends suggested, is a good possibility. Perhaps she just wrote her notes during dress rehearsal — or somebody else wrote her notes during dress rehearsal. I personally think there’s also a good chance that she has rabies. (When I shared this with Joe R, he pricelessly added — as is his way — “Perhaps she was bitten by the animated cat.”)

Of course, for people already inclined to believe that the show is operated by an evil cabal, the whole thing was further evidence that they decide ahead of time who’s going to be criticized and who’s not, so somebody had already told Paula that it was “put down Jason Castro” night, so she had her rehearsed lines all prepared. While I admit there’s a certain logic to this, I don’t understand why they’d be afraid of Jason Castro at this point. Jason Castro is a threat to no one, in my opinion. The most common cry I hear is the “they want a David/David finale!” Yeah, well…they’re going to get that, and they don’t have to make up insults about Jason Castro.

Overall, Neil Diamond night was — just as I suspected it might be — my least favorite night of performances ever. I can’t believe I sat through straight-faced performances of “Forever In Blue Jeans” as well as (ARGH) “September Morn,” which I remember thinking was an idiotic, horrible song even when it was released, which happened when I was A CHILD. With “America,” David Archuleta came off as — and take a breath here — pandering more than Kristy Lee Cook pandered when she sang “God Bless The U.S.A.,” because now he seems to be pandering and copying. And just as I had suspected, “Sweet Caroline” came off empty and dumb because it’s a stadium anthem now.

I really liked Brooke White early in the season, but I basically agreed with Simon that her “I’m A Believer” was nightmarish, as is her apparently complete transformation into tin-eared awkwardness. “I Am…I Said” was better, but it is still “I Am…I Said,” with its classic line, “No one heard at all, not even the chair.” I think perhaps someone was having a bad rhyming day when that happened. Syesha bores my poor self to tears, and “Hello Again” is another song I actually remember hating in its original incarnation.

David Cook was…the best of a bad lot, but I really didn’t enjoy listening to him try his hardest to make the most out of the lyrics of “I’m Alive,” which are basically “Life is hard, but I choose awesomeness.” When he sang “All I Really Need Is You,” it occurred to me that in one sense, it did sound current, but it sounded like the worst possible kind of currently popular music. I texted to someone during that performance, “This could totally run over the credits of ‘Made Of Honor.’” I mean, that’s not exactly anything to aspire to musically, but I understand that it does tend to suggest David Cook may have commercial relevance that others lack.

But enough about the actual performances. What the hell, Paula Abdul? What do you think? Rabies? Time travel? IS SHE MAGIC? Make your case in the comments.